My Fat Body Makes Me Invisible to Men
Back in the day, I use to have celebrity crushes like any typical red-blooded teenager with raging hormones. My preferences leaned toward what some would consider “pretty boys.” The guys with perfect everything. For example, I had crushes on men like the singer Al B. Sure, Ronald Devoe of New Edition fame, and Devante Swing from Jodeci.
I would create elaborate daydreams about my latest crush. In my mind, these attractive specimens would one day meet me, and it would be love at first sight. It would be a whirlwind romance. They would sweep me off of my feet, whisk me away, and we would live happily ever after. The end.
Then one day, I had a conversation with my parents that burst my little fantasy bubble. First, they told me that I probably would never meet these men because I didn’t travel in those circles. I didn’t hang out in places where celebrities rubbed elbows. I didn’t have any connections to the entertainment industry. Therefore, the possibility of me meeting these men was pretty much slim to none (they probably had a point with this nugget of truth).
The second blow came in the latter half of the conversation. My parents proceeded to tell me that men like that wouldn’t be interested in a girl like me. Which meant they wouldn’t be interested in a fat girl. These men would most likely be attracted to someone that looked like a model, not the plump girl standing on the sidelines. To add salt to the wound, they said that I would have a better chance of attracting someone like Luther Vandross than Al B. Sure.
I was a little hurt by their comments. I know they felt they were giving me a reality check, but it still stung a bit. However, it didn’t stop me from fantasizing about one day meeting what I considered to be a good-looking man and having a wonderful relationship.
Fast forward a few years, and I’m no longer a teenager. I’m twenty-three and a recent college graduate. My mother and I were riding along in the car, and the topic of dating and men came up. As we were having our girl chat, my mother said that “As long as you continue to hang out with your skinny friends, you won’t meet any guys. Men like women with nice bodies. Even if you have a pretty face, they will always go after the smaller woman with the shapely figure.”
To give you a little background information, my mother was speaking from her own experience. She had struggled with her weight and appearance since puberty. Of course, she dated over the years and eventually got married, but she never had men knocking down her door. When it came to attracting men, her experience wasn’t always a positive one.
As I sat there absorbing her words, a lot of thoughts ran through my mind. Was she right? Was there no hope for me when it came to romance? I couldn’t imagine not hanging out with my friends just because they were thinner and more attractive than me. That seemed extremely shallow and superficial. Besides, I spent time with my friends to have a good time, not to meet men.
Now, in my mother’s defense, I know she meant well by telling me this. In her mind, she was giving me a dose of reality. She probably felt that she was sparing me a ton of future disappointment by sharing her wisdom and experience. However, I walked away feeling that my future dating life was pretty bleak.
After that conversation, I tried to remain slightly hopeful. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. Perhaps I would meet that one male unicorn that felt I was attractive extra weight and all. Even though I didn’t have any suitors or dates during college, I had the rest of my adult life ahead of me. I was bound to meet someone and fall in love. It wouldn’t always be this way, right?
Boy, was I in for a very rude awakening.
What Really Happened
As my twenties played out, I went relatively unnoticed by the opposite sex. I would go out with my friends, and men would flock to them as I stood by and watched. Men drooled over them as well as other women that didn’t look like me. No matter how well dressed I was, I went relatively unnoticed. Men would walk around me to get to other women. I’m sure they would walk through me if they could.
I also feel the need to note at this point that this happened whether I was with my friends or not. Whenever I would be out and about by myself, not one man would look my way. Again, let me state that I’m not on the prowl looking for men when I’m out, but it’s hard not to notice year after year nobody pays you any attention as you move through life.
I tried not to let it get me down for a while. As a matter of fact, I came to expect it every time I would go out (by myself or with friends). However, over time, it started to take a toll on my self-esteem. In those moments when I dwelled on my single existence, my mind would gravitate back to that conversation I had with my mother that day.
I realized she was right for the most part. However, based on my personal experience, being fat doesn’t just make me less attractive to men. It makes me invisible. When I go out into the world, it’s like I don’t exist to men. They don’t see me.
Some may argue that maybe it’s not my weight. Maybe it’s how I’m dressed. Maybe I’m not pretty or attractive. Maybe it’s my body language. Maybe it’s my personality. Maybe I don’t exude enough confidence. Maybe it’s where I live (I lived in DC my entire adult life). I’ve contemplated all of these possibilities (Since I’ve been single and dateless for most of this time, I’ve had nothing but time to think about my situation). I’ve concluded that it’s definitely the weight that plays a significant role in my case.
I also know that there are men out there that are attracted to plus-size women. However, they are sometimes hard to find. At least in a public setting. They seem to be easier to encounter online (at least in my experience).
Don’t get me wrong, every once in a blue moon, a guy may say something to me. However, those occurrences are extremely rare. Not to mention that most of the time, it’s a much older man or someone I’m not remotely interested in getting to know. I’m not picky or hard to please, but I do have my standards.
Sharing My Thoughts With a Friend
A few years ago, I had a lengthy chat with a good friend about this topic, and she expressed that she had never experienced this in her life. Men always noticed her in her travels. At the time of our conversation, going unnoticed by men was a completely foreign concept to her.
A few months later, this same friend got a small taste of what it was like to go unnoticed while she was out and about. She called and expressed how glaringly apparent that nobody said one mumbling word to her during her travels. She didn’t feel good about it at all. This experience gave her a small taste of how I feel every day. My response to her was, “Welcome to my world. This is what I go through all of the time.”
I think her experience made her a little more sympathetic to my situation.
My Current Situation
Decades have gone by since I had that eye-opening conversation with my mother. I’m knee-deep into my forties, and my experience with attracting men hasn’t changed much since then. I’ve just come to accept it on my journey. I try to take it in stride and try to live my best Black life whether I catch the eye of a man or not. It is what it is.
